Sunday, July 5, 2015

Jurassic World: Crapasaurus Rex

mouth of a dinosaur

I was never a giant fan of Jurassic Park. I liked it fine, but overall I just found it a little boring. Goldblum was good and the dinosaurs were cool. The chase was well done. That's about it. The sequels I hardly remember. So I had no interest in seeing Jurassic World at any point and wouldn't have seen it at all if not for getting buzzed at a pub (2 stouts, party animal) and saying what the hell. Well, it turns out my first instincts were correct. What a piece of crap.

First off, it was just boring. Way too much time with humans who there's no reason to care about. Then again, I didn't give a shit about the dinosaurs either, but we'll get to that. Everyone's crazy about Chris Pratt, but there was no need to have him in this movie. He added nothing. Nobody did or could have. Vincent D'Onofrio just seemed tired after the amazing work he did on the Daredevil series. Bryce Dallas Howard's character was so annoying that you're never sure what Pratt would see in her, or for that matter what she sees in him.

jeff goldbum
The movie was about 8 hours long, it seemed, filled with completely unbelievable situations. I don't care how cool the idea of a dinosaur theme park is, there is absolutely no way that guests would be allowed to row boats, completely unsupervised, down a river among all manner of dinosaurs. Those cool looking hamster ball pod things that you see in the trailer? Also controlled by the guest. Bullshit. Especially after the disaster that happened, and is directly referenced, when they tried the original park. And that one had the jeeps on rails! It got so that I wouldn't have been shocked to see a Flintstones style brontosaurus slide. Ridiculous.

rowing among dinosaurs
Rolling down the river.
Then there's the dinosaurs. Pratt trains raptors and has some sort of rapport with them. Ok, I can buy that. He's their alpha. Fine. So when the new hybrid dinosaur they've created, Indominous Rex, figures out how to escape from it's enclosure the only solution they can come up with is to use the raptors to hunt it down. Already kind of stupid, but since for some insane reason the boats that bring the thousands of guests to the island just leave them stranded there, there's no real way to just evacuate the theme park. When Indie Rex winds up recruiting the other raptors, they finally figure out it's also part raptor. More chaos ensues. Eventually, they break a hole in the flying dinosaur enclosure, setting them loose to attack the guests, like Hitchcock's Birds. One random extra decides to grab his two margaritas before running away amid this insanity. That guest should have his own movie because he was the best part the whole thing.

Anyway, yada yada yada, they get the original T Rex from the first movie out to help fight the hybrid and the big water dino from the trailer jumps out for no reason whatsoever and eats Indie Rex. Oh, and the kids in the movie? Their parents sent them to spend time with their aunt while they finalized a divorce (classy), but by the end of it, I think they changed their minds because nothing saves a marriage like sending your kids away to a mortally dangerous vacation. Fuck this movie. I was cold, sleepy and angry about the waste of time this thing was. Should have just seen Inside Out again. How this is the blockbuster it is, I don't understand.


  1. I have not seen the movie, but I had heard the guest with the margaritas was Jimmy Buffett. I am applying my rule of "not trying the third sequel after failing to enjoy the two prior sequels", which should also save me some time with the Mission Impossible franchise.

    1. Yup, it's Buffett. I liked the last Mission Impossible. But I didn't see the 2 before it.